But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. Matthew 14:27-31

I know it has been a while. I apologize for the lag. I have been trying desperately to get my thoughts together so they will be worthwhile to read about. After reading my daily devotional this morning, it hit me that it was time for me to write again.

I decided to talk about this particular scripture because it describes exactly how I was feeling. I pray frequently to God for guidance and assistance, he gives it to me and then I doubt it was his assistance. I begin to sink even after I hear Jesus say, “come” or occasionally “go”. Have you ever felt that? It gave me chills this morning when I read this because I have been struggling with a couple of things. I believe in those struggles that Jesus has said to me, “Chill out. Sit down. Be patient.” But unfortunately I do not know how. I am a doer. I think I’m chilling out but in actuality I am only appearing to be chilling out. I might be sitting still but my mind is going 100 miles per hour. I’m thinking about where am I going to find a job. Is this relationship going to work out? How am I going to pay these bills without an income? Is my son getting everything he needs from me? Then let’s not even talk about incorporating social media into that overloaded thinking process. Just thinking about it now makes me want to scream!

I believe that God made me sit down (and sit down for real) recently. I was hospitalized for 6 days. I have never in my life been in the hospital that long. The longest I’ve ever been in the hospital, I came home with a baby. So this was a rude awakening because it was so unexpected. I had been walking around with a blood clot in my leg for approximately 3 weeks and pneumonia for almost 2 weeks. No signs. No warnings. But now that I think about it, were there warnings? I try to keep myself so busy that any aches and pains are blown off. I knew my leg hurt but I nursed it myself. I knew I could barely breathe but I self-medicated (take that however you want). So finally when I could not take any more my body began shutting down. It was the scariest thing to ever experience not to mention to experience it alone. All I could imagine was my son coming home from school finding my dead body. That is what got me to move.

While in the hospital I would not allow anyone to bring me my laptop or tablet. I had my phone but I could only read so much of Facebook and Instagram. The television programs were a joke. So I had nothing but time to talk to God and do something different, listen. The interesting thing is the Holy Spirit has always spoken to me. I’ve just always blown it off as my own thoughts playing tricks on me. So the difference this time was everything that was said to me came to pass. I told the Holy Spirit I wasn’t ready to die but if it was my time, please make sure my son would be provided for and comforted. I was told to stop it but I did need to get my life in ORDER. I told the Holy Spirit I didn’t think I did my insurance stuff correctly and every time they took me for a test or gave me medicine I was racking up a bill I had no possible way of paying. I was told to stop it, I am your PROVIDER. I’m here and my bills are paid in full. Major rude awakening.

I have come to realize that the Holy Spirit has said to me, “come” many times and my soul was willing but my flesh was not. I would then sink and begin screaming out, “HELP ME!” Every time God reaches his hand out to me and catches me. My lesson from a couple of particular pitfalls I put myself in? Listen. I need to trust God with all my heart and not depend on my own understanding. God operates in such a way that we can not even begin to understand. His ways are so much higher than our ways. We just need to trust and believe. That voice in your head or that “gut” feeling or that intuition that you are feeling needs to be really paid attention to. It could be the Holy Spirit directing your path to greatness. Don’t sink.

Love you!

Kelly G.